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My best friend wants me to work with my rapist on her wedding.

My best friend wants me to work with my rapist on her wedding.

This is a Repost

OP is u/ThrowRA-confusedmoh/

TW: Rape, Manipulation, Child Abuse.

MS: Positive.

ORIGINAL (Jul 26, 2020)

I have a best friend (we’ll call her Tina)who I’ve known most of my life. We have had a strong friendship from middle school all the way until we graduated from the same college. We have always been there for each other, and I tell her pretty much everything.

Back in junior year of high school, a guy (we’ll call him Rod) raped me at a house party. He never apologized for it, and it put me in a deep downward spiral to the point where I almost wanted to drop out in order to never see his face again. I told Tina about it, and she did everything she could to support me.

Fast forward to early 2020, Tina and her boyfriend (Josh) announced that they were getting engaged, and Tina wanted me to be the maid of honor. I was beyond excited to do it, we’ve always talked about being each other’s maids of honor. There was another detail though, Josh had a similar friendship history with his best man and they thought it would be adorable if the maid of honor and best man worked together on everything and were they’re own second package on the wedding day. I guess it was their way of making us feel a little more excited for weddings of our own.

I found out that the best man was going to be Rod, and that he and Josh remained best friends after high school. I thought Rod was just in the friend group, but it turns out they were as close as could be. My heart sunk and I simply didn’t know how to respond. They expected us to work together and be together the whole wedding process, and that sounded like literal hell.

I started thinking about whether Tina never told Josh or that Josh heard and just didn’t care, all I know is that I was having second thoughts about the wedding after that.

I texted Tina about my concerns with Rod coming in the most polite way possible, and she sent me this in reply:

“I know about what happened with you guys back in the day, but Rod seems to be a great guy now. It would just really mean a lot if you can push that memory away for the duration of this? Please just trust me”

I didn’t know how to respond to this, and luckily the wedding planning process has been at a haul since Covid. I haven’t responded to her since that text but now this has really been bugging me. Should I just say no? It would probably break her heart, but I just don’t know if I can handle working with my rapist.


UPDATE (Aug 03, 2020)

First of all, thank you so much for the support on my first post. I did not expect it to gain that much attention. I guess a lot happened since then? I don’t know if it’s even been a week yet. But this is going to change my life, perhaps for the better.

There were hundreds of comments, and I’d thought I’d address a few questions regarding the rape itself. I don’t appreciate how some of these were asked, but I’ll share anyway for the sake of clarifying things.

  1. Was I under the influence? Yes, but I remember vividly saying no. I was drunk enough to have all my strength and mobility wonky but I didn’t black out or anything. The force he used on me didn’t seem that of someone who was drunk, he looked completely sober, but I could be wrong. I remember a couple of times when I was trying to lift myself off the bed and he would push me back down, I remember the expression on his face. Like you guys said, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.That’s all I’m willing to share for now, the only person who knows all the details is Tina. Is it bad that I wish she knew nothing now? Maybe it would hurt less.

  2. Why didn’t I report it? Because I saw how that turned out for other girls I knew. I’ve had a few other friends (not Tina) who have had the same thing happen to them and nothing came out of reporting it, and it made them feel worse. Just the few comments calling me a liar stung, so I can’t imagine how I would have felt back as my unstable teen self. Not only that, I was scared of what Rod would do if he found out I had reported him. There was just something about him that made me never want to cross him.

Reading all your comments, it seems pretty clear that how Tina was treating me was extremely inconsiderate and I should find a new friend. Although it was a huge slap in the face, I came to my senses and believed that I couldn’t be around someone who would do that to me. Some of you said to expose them during vows, but that’s just not the kind of person I am, and it might not turn out well. A few of you gave me example texts I could send which I am extremely thankful for, but I decided to send this.

“I’ve had time to think about it, and I just can’t be your maid of honor anymore. It’s so hurtful that you are telling me to pack up my trauma for who knows how long until your wedding day.I just can’t do it. I don’t think I will come at all knowing that he’s going to be there. I’m sorry.”

It’s pretty weak, but it’s probably the “meanest” text I’ve ever sent. An hour later, I get a call from Josh. He asked me what was going on with me and Tina, and that she was extremely upset. A part of me snapped and I said “I don’t know, what’s going on with you making someone who raped me best man?” I don’t usually blurt things out like that. He was confused and I repeated myself. He was silent for a few seconds and then asked if he could come over. I was a little wary of the idea but I said sure.(I know, we should be social distancing but this really needed to be discussed.)

He comes to my apartment 40 minutes later without Tina. I have never hung out with Josh one on one before, it was always with Tina. Josh always had a really cute and sweet personality, and I’ve always approved of him when it came to dating her. He was really only a friendly acquaintance to me though.

We sat down and spoke for over an hour.

Tina had told Josh that the reason I wasn’t coming to the wedding was that I didn’t want to work with Rod…BECAUSE I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM…and thought she was forcing the relationship too much. So basically, she said we had a petty girl fight. My jaw hit the floor and I was fuming. She had obviously never told Josh what Rod did to me. I shared that Rod had raped me back in high school, and that Tina knew about it. I asked if he knew too.

He said he didn’t, but at one point Rod did mention that a few “crazy bitches” falsely accused him of rape senior year. This obviously didn’t include me, since I only told Tina and a few family members.. Josh believed him at the time, but I guess after hearing ME say it it’s starting to dawn on him that his friend was a liar.

Here’s something that I didn’t expect…Josh shared with me that he was raped when he was a kid by an older brother of a friend he had. He said that if he was forced to work with said brother on a wedding, he would absolutely refuse. He apologized heavily on behalf of Tina, but I won’t forgive unless she says it herself.

I know some of you may think Josh is lying, but I believe him.

I could see it by Josh’s face and body language that the realization really weighed down on him, and I felt bad. In a way, we were both going through a betrayal. I asked if he was ok to go home, and he said yes. He thanked me for telling him and left. I don’t know if I’ll stay in touch with him, but I was beyond furious with Tina at this point.

I was expecting an angry text coming from her, and sure enough, I got it at like midnight. She went off saying that I’m gonna end up destroying their marriage, how could I do that to her, etc etc. I just pressed the block button and went to bed. Quickest decision ever made.

I’m feeling a little down in the dumps right now, yet slightly relieved. I’m going to try to connect with other friends and try to move on from this. If I’m feeling brave enough, I might try to find these “crazy bitches” and see if we can make a case against Rod. Knowing that there are other victims makes me feel so guilty I want to scream. Sorry it’s not too happy of an ending, but I think it might have been more unhappy if I decided to go along with it. Thank you Reddit.

In case anybody needs them, there are some resources here:

Medical Expenses (US)

International Crisis Hotlines

Compilation of info and subreddits

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